Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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