Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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