I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
