You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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