someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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