my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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