An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
