Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Randomize
