I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
