What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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