had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
