White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
Randomize
