So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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