just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
