my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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