I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
