I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
He passed out mid-signature
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Randomize
