so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
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