only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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