i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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