Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
