Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize