You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
dude. I can hear the air.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
