So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
