Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
