Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
