My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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