Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
