I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I need a burrito and a hug.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
