my soul wont recognize me after tonight
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Randomize
