This is not my ceiling
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Walk of Shame today included voting.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
