you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
