Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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