i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
