I have demons in me.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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