I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
