I'm going to jail i love you
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize