mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
