just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
