I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
