I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
