Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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