This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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