You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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