Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
