All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
