I skipped work to stalk him.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
