i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
