Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
