i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
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