she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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