i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
