4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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