On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
