you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
