why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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