i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
