I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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