Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
