i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
