I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Randomize
