I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
