Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
