Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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