Your tits are I can't wait for
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
