i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
i drank out of a bidet.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize
