I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
