Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
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